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Hello.

Last week was all about being called out on my creative bullshit in the most loving, supportive way. First, with my therapist in a way that resonated with so many! 👇

The next day my massively talented friend, writer, and illustrator

While my therapist had more generalized feedback, “Use your privilege! Make beautiful things! Don’t waste the resources you have!” Keva’s advice was more targeted.

She asked, “Why are you wasting your energy querying? You’ve been talking about your book since I’ve known you (almost two years?), why haven’t you published it yet?”

Ohhhhh.

The honest, tough love I needed to hear.

The truth: I’ve been writing The Pattern Shop since 2015, in little pieces in cozy coffee shops, in early morning 30-minute increments before going to a full-time job, and during a 10-day self-created writer’s retreat that cracked me wide open.

I’ve been talking about it for nearly as long. 80,000 words (over 100,000 deleted). A decade of tears, revisions, and energy invested in the story that’s changed me along the way. Shifting from writing to querying has been its own process.

Over the last two years, I’ve:

✏️ Queried 47 agents total.

✏️ Received one partial manuscript request.

✏️ Had one warm, inspiring, in-person pitch session.

✏️ Collected a handful of encouraging, personalized rejections.

🕳️ And sent lots of queries into the void with no response at all.

My plan was to do another round of querying this month to 10-15 more agents. After sending three, my body totally shut down. It said, “NO MORE.” No more asking permission or revising. No more perfecting, tweaking, ruminating.

I want with all my heart to partner with an agent who gets the vision of this book. Who can champion it, help me create momentum and build community and conversations around it, and launch it into the world with JOY and enthusiasm.

Why not me?

And why not you?

These are the questions rising to the surface of my heart, knocking on my ego’s door, asking it to consider another possibility.

Are we not the best champions of our work? Are we not perfectly made to tend to our own creations, much like mothers nurture their little ones after giving birth?

Yet, I’m still resisting the self-publishing pathway. Hesitating to choose myself. Doubting my capacity, energy, and skill to turn this 10+ year project into a successful one.

So I did some deeper reflection. And I asked the hard question. How am I benefiting from not publishing this book?

Here’s what I came up with:

• I’m staying in complete control of the fantasy in my head of its potential success

• Being “in process” is more alluring/admirable than a possible flop/failure

• Focusing on the struggle feeds the external validation of the “poor artist” cultural narrative

• It’s letting me stay in the comfort zone of “almost” finished, which my perfectionism LOVES!

Our stuckness has payoffs. Procrastination does serve us, in some way. But what is the cost? How is it depleting my energy?

• By not growing my skills through making new mistakes and learning from them

• Keeping me from creating space to begin new projects

• Stopping me from sharing and getting real time feedback/seeing how this story can impact others

• Fueling my “not good enough” story and keeping me more focused on rejections/asking permission than creating opportunities and collaborations.

When we get clear on both the benefit/cost of our patterns (a theme of the book!), we can move forward with agency, choosing to shift or repeat them.

I’m not sure we can do it alone. We need loving conversations, people we trust who can reflect both our light and shadow. Peers and partners who can gently hold us accountable to our biggest dreams. A community who will both encourage and call us out when needed.

That’s the community we’re creating here. If you're longing to connect with other writers navigating the publishing journey, I've created a new Writers' Chat thread just for us! 👇💗

We need each other. Thank you for being here. For holding me accountable and showing up for yourself, too.

Want to see the actual query letter that got me a partial request? Plus the resources that kept me sane through 47 rejections and how I’m preparing to turn a pivot into a piourette? I lay all my cards on the table below!

Like this post to help other writers find our community, or let me know you're cheering me on in the chat!

Until next time, keep writing. Keep being you.

All my love,
Mariah

📌P.S. Community Bulletin Announcement! My friend

Learn more ✨

Keep reading to see my query for The Pattern Shop, a list of resources for writing your own, finding an agent, building a writing community, and more! 👇🦋